I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you and kiss your neck. —“Hello, my lover, my friend, my heart.” this is what my soul experiences when you appear. My heart races, my mind fills with joy, and my body responds with warmth in unmentionable places. Also the love, the overwhelming love.

I cannot speak for you, however, the way you greet me makes me think that your reaction to me is similar. Your eyes sparkle, smile lighting them, your arms open to receive my embrace, your lips ready to engage in our kisses.

We are incredible, here, seventeen years in, still creating this reaction in one another. And it has deepened. I have been revving all day simply because you texted me. We are adults, fuck, we are elders, and we are always super excited and exciting. Always “yippee” as you put it. We have something here that is different, special. At least for me, the feelings and desire keeps growing. I fall more in love, more desirous of your presence, your company and your conversation, maybe even your wisdom. Your life experiences make your knowledge so different than mine. My experiences are emotional, yours are concrete.

I do look forward to the “regular” stuff. Conversation over coffee and dinners we cook together, planning next Tuesday’s whatever. because the reality is we deserve it, we would be good at it and we would still feel the way we do.

Because, darling the Gods put us together for a reason. Seventeen years in and we are still twitterpated because the higher power(s) know what they are doing. Fated Love is not accidental nor fleeting.

I am enjoying these more recent revelations, the soft side of you that is really beginning to reveal itself. Baby, I have always been aware of your hidden emotional depths, I could sense them even at the very start, one of the reasons I have always loved you is this secret propensity for great feeling. Your self preservation makes you hide and bury and even deny the existence of this secret place. The high walls you have built around it, have always made it more enticing to me. Seventeen years of enticement, and I finally feel like you have opened the gates to me. The love that has poured out and the trust that it has taken to get to this point is immense. I understand how hard you have let it become to be open because of the fear of the past repeating itself. I also understand that my patience has been rewarded by you finally trusting me that entirely. I honor it with even more honesty, more leaning in.

I also have past trauma, and I am scared that if I lean in too much, I may fall on my face, however, I also must trust against past lessons. trust you and your loving heart. Trust the fates and their guidance, trust the feeling in my gut when I focus on these things.

I must place faith in you. In your truths and your emotions and your love. This is the lesson for us both, i think, to trust and love in the face of adversity, with the knowledge that the one we love can utterly, truly destroy you. The truth of our love is trust. You must trust that the more you give me, the more I love you, the more of your weaknesses that exposes, the less I would ever wish to hurt you.

Darling, I love you more now than I ever have before, and because of the nearly two decades of experience of you, I know that tomorrow is another opportunity to fall even further into this emotional ocean with you. I also know that the commitment we have somehow created for and to one another exists outside the normal rules of and about these things.

There are stressors and strangenesses for us, that should really not exist this far into a relationship, however those outside influences and hardships have helped to forge this unbreakable bond. The things which were not meant to be permanent, the harsh ex-husbands, the problems have found the solution. We are the solution. Our undemanding, unconditional love that knows no bounds is the answer. No matter the question, no matter the trial, our love will see us through. This will outlast even us, our current lives.

Could I ask for more? Do I wish for you to be mine, exclusively? Do I hope that you and I will see one another each and every day? yes to all these things. But if these things happened the first or even the second time I really desired it, our love would never have become bulletproof. We may even have failed by now. Instead, here I am on my front porch typing away about our unbreakable bond as the drizzle falls and our desire grows.

This is the kind of love that outlasts and overcomes.

I am going to delete your actual name, because there has never been another like you, so I am not likely to forget you. However, I may attach this site to my writers page on facebook at some time and feel for your safety, I should replace your name with a moniker of some kind. if you are named at all.

So yesterday was a testament to my joyful insanity and the happiness and depth you bring to my life. Believe it or not, you bring me satisfaction, mirth, companionship, and happiness. You are my smile. I hope, at least, I contribute to yours. I adore so many things about you. I love more about you than even I knew. Driving for distances in the dark tends to make me think quiet, long thoughts which are absent while chatting, reading, or drawing. I like this.

In the darkness near Gerry, NY last evening, the radio gave me Def Leppard. And I saw, in the eyes of my mind, for the first time in a very long time, you, playing, leaning into the mike to sing. The realization poured over me like the lyrics, sticky sweet, and eye-opening. I haven’t actually pictured you that way, in that persona, in a couple of years, or more. Because while that part of your life and our relationship was instrumental, I am madly in love with you, now. As you are, were, and will be, and every facet of you has equal weight and clarity in my mind. 🙂 I smile picturing you with your coffee klatch, head under a hood, stick in hand, or on the lathe. My heart leaps at the mental image of you turning your hat around backwards to kiss me. You in all your masks, all your roles, make me love you more. The reality is that I love your soft underbelly and I love your broad protective shoulders. I have fallen in love with the man who is so much more than the sum of all your different parts. And when the realization of all this struck, I smiled in the night like the Cheshire cat and tears filled my eyes, joyful ones because many people never experience loving this way, and you have brought that to me.

Yes, our situation can be sad, difficult, and tumultuous. Yes, sometimes I am lonely and wish for another outcome. Often I wish that I was beside you and beaming with love as we do, to give hope to all the daughters that have lost faith in love. I want every moment to be with you. To spend the rest of our lives making you as happy as you deserve. To make the next decade your best, and that would make it my best by association. However, I will love you in whatever capacity I am able. For whatever time is allotted. If the Goddess and universe make room for me I will be more than happy to fill that space, however, I will not force it. Occasionally I catch myself acting like a common woman and getting jealous or rageful, maybe even spiteful. And I remember that I am not those things, and no matter what the imagined gain would be, I cannot let those emotions define me. I am better than that, you are better than that, and we are so much better than that. So in those moments I sit with myself and create, I put my passion into the perfectly arched line and my anger into the deepest shadows. I write this and many other never-ending love letters to pour the negatives out, as well as to explore my deep long thoughts.

I am graced to love and be loved this way. It is with honor and truth I repay the universe for it’s favor. I will continue loving with all of myself, and utilizing the gift for what it is.

Now when we hung up last night I was a little caught up in the way you said you didn’t know how long it would take to get the second woman out of your house. You’ve never even joked about that so it got my ear.

So here I am 22 hours later and I hear something else you may have said. “I’m happy.”

Did you say that?

Damn you for knowing exactly what I need from you.

I love you, and love you more each day. You have often times remained silent and allowed me to wonder, worry and beat myself up over loving you so very much. I don’t believe for a moment you knew this was a problem, I just believe you are a man. An old school man who keeps himself under control all the time. But…

This last few months you have been more trusting of me and this love which I hold. You have shown me your hand. I have always known, however when you show me, and tell me how you feel, it becomes so much more real. You are, to me, the most amazing human that I did not create. You are complex and simple, you are hundreds of layers deep in feelings, yet they all show on your surface. I am amazed by you. I am having the time of my life digging deep while you allow me to expose you.

And then you speak. You speak of how you feel when I tell you how I feel. And the sun breaks over the horizon and I know with my logical side as well as my emotional side that you are deeply in love with me, too. That my shortcomings are as invisible to you as yours are to me. That you, the most amazing human I know, feel the things for me that I feel for you. And all the trappings and difficulties that we face fade into the shadows.

I don’t know for sure what your beliefs are. I know that organized religion checks no boxes for you, but what are your views on fate? On reincarnation and on the idea of mission chosen in a soul state? I guess it really doesn’t actually matter, though. You believe in me, and I believe in you and we are experiencing this love together.

I have to tell you that for many years I have hoped for you to feel the love I feel for you, to accept it and assimilate it and value yourself more because of it. I see that that has occurred. Somewhere along the line i began hoping that you would begin to love me too, and that I would accept it and assimilate it and begin to value myself more for it. That too has come to pass.

Loving you was never a mistake, never a misjudgement. However it was not a choice easily made, as I fought it every step of the way. You won my love the hard way. I think however, you tried even harder than I did to avoid love. I appreciate that about you.

I see you, pulling away. Coming home must have been some sort of awakening. It’s okay. I will be here when it is through.

Darling, we are so close to that unattainable word. There are indeed 20 years between us, but it does not detract from the truth that you are my joy, that you fill my desire with hunger, my soul with bright light and heart with a lightness that makes it seem as though I could fly. That I also bring you joy, physical, emotional and relational pleasures, and fill a space you thought would never be filled. But you have brought into question some things which worry you. I am planning to address these here. You want me to have more, not enough years left, and the obstacles in our path.

You want me to have more? More than what? More than part time? More than you are giving me? More than the rest of our lives? I do not understand your insistance that you want me to have more. There is truly only one answer to that. I have, I thought, made it clear that I will never settle for less than the love of my life. So, darling, you are trying to insist you want me to have less than that. Only you will do, all other options are moot. There is one way I will have ‘more’ and that is if you give me ‘more’. I will settle for nothing less.

If time is short, and you want me to have my person for longer, why are you trying to divert me from my person? I want you forever. I will spend all the rest of all my lives seeking you, loving you, learning you, pleasuring you, yearning for you. This episode may not let you give me a 65 year partership, but next episode will. Let me know that you love me for the rest of this one? I will be here to the bitter end, baby, let me not be a volunteer candy striper in order to do so? I want to be in your arms when one or the other of us goes. I’m never giving up on you, why are you giving up on you? Or are you giving up on me? You again are the only one who can change this outcome, and I don’t expect you to. But damn if you did, we’d have far too much love and fun. What makes you or me worthy of this? I’ll address this later, I suppose.

Obstacles are there in everyone’s path. I believe the universe is moving some of them without our intervention. I am scared, but in a healthy way, that you might get out of our way and let the love flow. I am so ready for it, when you are. The truth is she is not in our way, it is only us. Our choices. So I will tell you just as you choose to be unfullfilled and stay, I will choose to be fulfilled in following my heart, even if the concrete parts don’t ever unfold. I will choose love. I will choose the natural commitment that you bring out of me. The need for your conversation, company and cuddles that outweighs the ridiculously wonderful lovemaking. We have all the time this journey needs. I will walk with you, even if I must be shrouded in secrecy. I’ll address this too, eventually.

So why are we deserving? I don’t know why I am, so I understand why you might not know why you are. Sometimes it takes another perspective. Maybe someday you will tell me what makes me deserve any of the things you provide or this mysterious ‘more’. You, darling have a spark of joy in you that it seems lots of situations have tried to stomp out, but it stays. You have bent your back and your needs to others needs and cared for many. You have put your heart and soul into so many people. You have loved and given yourself for others. You are a genuinely good person. You have earned the right to be treated the same way you treat others. You are a phenomenally caring human who deserves to be cared for phenomenally. A romantic who pretends to be ‘not’ and it seems to me desires the love I have been gifted with, for you. A traditionalist who desires and seeks out non-traditional ideas, and lives non-traditionally. A man who beats himself up as much as you do deserves something to soothe his soul. I believe I fulfill that for you and you are worthy of more than I could ever give you, the depthless well of my love should expand to offer you more. Because you are the mose selfless man I have ever known. I want to be your selfishness. I want to serve that which serves you, as in doing so I am also serving me, and the intelligence behind all of life that put us here, together.

I have a deep fear that I will not attain anything I desire and I sometimes allow that to detract me from full disclosure. The truth is here. I am yours. I was made to be yours. I have been given my true mate, my twin flame by the universe. I won’t give up on him. Period.