Now when we hung up last night I was a little caught up in the way you said you didn’t know how long it would take to get the second woman out of your house. You’ve never even joked about that so it got my ear.

So here I am 22 hours later and I hear something else you may have said. “I’m happy.”

Did you say that?

Damn you for knowing exactly what I need from you.

I love you, and love you more each day. You have often times remained silent and allowed me to wonder, worry and beat myself up over loving you so very much. I don’t believe for a moment you knew this was a problem, I just believe you are a man. An old school man who keeps himself under control all the time. But…

This last few months you have been more trusting of me and this love which I hold. You have shown me your hand. I have always known, however when you show me, and tell me how you feel, it becomes so much more real. You are, to me, the most amazing human that I did not create. You are complex and simple, you are hundreds of layers deep in feelings, yet they all show on your surface. I am amazed by you. I am having the time of my life digging deep while you allow me to expose you.

And then you speak. You speak of how you feel when I tell you how I feel. And the sun breaks over the horizon and I know with my logical side as well as my emotional side that you are deeply in love with me, too. That my shortcomings are as invisible to you as yours are to me. That you, the most amazing human I know, feel the things for me that I feel for you. And all the trappings and difficulties that we face fade into the shadows.

I don’t know for sure what your beliefs are. I know that organized religion checks no boxes for you, but what are your views on fate? On reincarnation and on the idea of mission chosen in a soul state? I guess it really doesn’t actually matter, though. You believe in me, and I believe in you and we are experiencing this love together.

I have to tell you that for many years I have hoped for you to feel the love I feel for you, to accept it and assimilate it and value yourself more because of it. I see that that has occurred. Somewhere along the line i began hoping that you would begin to love me too, and that I would accept it and assimilate it and begin to value myself more for it. That too has come to pass.

Loving you was never a mistake, never a misjudgement. However it was not a choice easily made, as I fought it every step of the way. You won my love the hard way. I think however, you tried even harder than I did to avoid love. I appreciate that about you.

I see you, pulling away. Coming home must have been some sort of awakening. It’s okay. I will be here when it is through.

Darling, we are so close to that unattainable word. There are indeed 20 years between us, but it does not detract from the truth that you are my joy, that you fill my desire with hunger, my soul with bright light and heart with a lightness that makes it seem as though I could fly. That I also bring you joy, physical, emotional and relational pleasures, and fill a space you thought would never be filled. But you have brought into question some things which worry you. I am planning to address these here. You want me to have more, not enough years left, and the obstacles in our path.

You want me to have more? More than what? More than part time? More than you are giving me? More than the rest of our lives? I do not understand your insistance that you want me to have more. There is truly only one answer to that. I have, I thought, made it clear that I will never settle for less than the love of my life. So, darling, you are trying to insist you want me to have less than that. Only you will do, all other options are moot. There is one way I will have ‘more’ and that is if you give me ‘more’. I will settle for nothing less.

If time is short, and you want me to have my person for longer, why are you trying to divert me from my person? I want you forever. I will spend all the rest of all my lives seeking you, loving you, learning you, pleasuring you, yearning for you. This episode may not let you give me a 65 year partership, but next episode will. Let me know that you love me for the rest of this one? I will be here to the bitter end, baby, let me not be a volunteer candy striper in order to do so? I want to be in your arms when one or the other of us goes. I’m never giving up on you, why are you giving up on you? Or are you giving up on me? You again are the only one who can change this outcome, and I don’t expect you to. But damn if you did, we’d have far too much love and fun. What makes you or me worthy of this? I’ll address this later, I suppose.

Obstacles are there in everyone’s path. I believe the universe is moving some of them without our intervention. I am scared, but in a healthy way, that you might get out of our way and let the love flow. I am so ready for it, when you are. The truth is she is not in our way, it is only us. Our choices. So I will tell you just as you choose to be unfullfilled and stay, I will choose to be fulfilled in following my heart, even if the concrete parts don’t ever unfold. I will choose love. I will choose the natural commitment that you bring out of me. The need for your conversation, company and cuddles that outweighs the ridiculously wonderful lovemaking. We have all the time this journey needs. I will walk with you, even if I must be shrouded in secrecy. I’ll address this too, eventually.

So why are we deserving? I don’t know why I am, so I understand why you might not know why you are. Sometimes it takes another perspective. Maybe someday you will tell me what makes me deserve any of the things you provide or this mysterious ‘more’. You, darling have a spark of joy in you that it seems lots of situations have tried to stomp out, but it stays. You have bent your back and your needs to others needs and cared for many. You have put your heart and soul into so many people. You have loved and given yourself for others. You are a genuinely good person. You have earned the right to be treated the same way you treat others. You are a phenomenally caring human who deserves to be cared for phenomenally. A romantic who pretends to be ‘not’ and it seems to me desires the love I have been gifted with, for you. A traditionalist who desires and seeks out non-traditional ideas, and lives non-traditionally. A man who beats himself up as much as you do deserves something to soothe his soul. I believe I fulfill that for you and you are worthy of more than I could ever give you, the depthless well of my love should expand to offer you more. Because you are the mose selfless man I have ever known. I want to be your selfishness. I want to serve that which serves you, as in doing so I am also serving me, and the intelligence behind all of life that put us here, together.

I have a deep fear that I will not attain anything I desire and I sometimes allow that to detract me from full disclosure. The truth is here. I am yours. I was made to be yours. I have been given my true mate, my twin flame by the universe. I won’t give up on him. Period.

I heard you say those words. I did not react, I did not respond, because I know my own ability to dwell on things. I have a great ability to take any molehill and make it into a mountain, actually multiple mountains, depending on my mood.

So I have tried very hard not to think about the statement you made, the volume of feelings you must be experiencing before you would ever say such a thing, or the consequences should you really mean it.

I am here. I am here for it. Whatever way the road twists and turns, I will be your constant, as you are mine. You can cling to me or hold me at arms length, and I will stand true by your side. I have tried so hard not to overthink this. But, I certainly have held it to the light and examined it for flaws, seen every plane of it’s faceted surface, reflecting, refracting and bending the light. I am still here for it, no matter where or how the beam of light comes out the other side.

In truth, you have a home in my arms regardless of where our heads lie. We can do anything, and we will be fine, full of laughter and joy. However, I have fear, as well, that we are both crazy and this is an insane dream, one which we will wake up from saying wtf were we thinking. But then again, I convinced myself I was crazy when I suspected that you loved me, and look how that turned out.

Crazy seems like my excuse to not face our obstacles. Crazy has become my fallback and I really know better.

I am now coming to terms with reality again. You do love me as I love you. You do think of me, as I think of you. You do desire this joining, as I desire this joining. You do fantasize and worry about the joining, as I do. We shall prevail. Love shall prevail.

Whether or not I allow myself to stress about this is in my hands. I love you and should find the joy in your phrasing. I should find a way to take happiness from it. To bask in the idea that you might just realize what you are missing. You might actually reach for it.

However, I am truly in love with you and your happiness is my joy. So I have a very difficult time celebrating anything which causes you sorrow, sadness, discomfort, anything but contentment. I bring joy and mirth and love to the table, and I suppose you can see it more clearly if I am the main source, but does that mean you are unhappy in the everyday? I don’t want you dissatisfied. I want to bring you all the bliss that exists in the world and deposit it at your feet. I want the next stage in your life to be completely and utterly joyful. I know I can contribute, greatly, to that, however, I am not keen on you suffering in any way in order to achieve that.

As always, a quandary. As always I will not react. As always I will love you, and wait for the universe to shake things further.

I do love you and everything about you.

Man of all my dreams

Marriage is your question? My stance on it? I made that clear in many a separate conversation, but I’m going to lay it out in sentences so you really understand.
When I said love doesn’t need a contract, I meant it. If two people are actually in love, and they decide to be together, that is all the contractual obligation there is. If the love runs out the contract is nullified or renegotiated.
But, when I said I’d marry you, I also meant that. I know you wouldn’t ask  however, if we ever reached a point where you did, I would say yes. Because the original holds true, love doesn’t need a contract.
But if you wanted me to, I would be an honorable and true partner for you. As I am now, as in the first paragraph. If you felt the legitimization of our relationship was desirable i would.
Because I’m already committed to you, it wouldn’t make any difference. But I’d take your name and make it mine, with you.
But only if YOU,not me, desired it. I would also insist on a cohabitation agreement IN ANY FANTASY where one is even a thing. Your children, thier mothers, they deserve your personal empire. Me I just want to live in the castle of your heart. I want to fill a space you thought had scarred over and would never exist again. I want to fill it with my love, and our happiness. I want to inhabit places that in all your life you never knew existed, the secret passageways of your heart that you never explored, because one thing I can promise you, is that i will NEVER hurt you. You can trust me with all of you.

I need you, I need your heart and soul and love and time and arms and legs to wrap around me. I need your sweet conversation that starts the waterworks and the heart pounding, the intelligent and quick responses coming and the moisture flowing.
I need your company and your presence.
I need your love and passion.
I need your friendship and your caring.
I do not need your house, your cars,your financial support, your inheritance. Those are nothing.
You have become everything.
I need you.

I have been tricked, lied to, groomed,abused, and used. Made a slave to the industrial complex and barely squeeked by with my kids fed and the lights on.
It taught me one thing above all.
All the material is worthless, beyond basic survival of the body.
Value is found in the ethereal, the emotional, the magickal. If I thought it would buy one more hour with you I’d give my home, title and all. I’d give my 401k and stock options, I’d give both cars and my damned weekly pay. Whatever it took to experience a single hour more of the magick we create. This is my treasure.

The symptom is the sex, in my personal opinion, because we hide from verbalizing our feelings, (though less so now) and we can only truly express them physically.
Now I don’t believe the sex will ever stop improving even as we both decline, because it’s our best form of expression. But I do believe we are coming closer to a needed conversation. It will be hard. It will make things even better. Because you must trust me and I you, with the whole of ourselves.

the scent of your skin, the friction of it when i slide my cheek across it, the taste of your kisses, the sound of your laughter, the moment our eyes meet and my soul reaches out to yours, tendrils of light meeting in the space between, these are just tiny moments that touch on the complexity of you and i. my ear to your heart, listening to it while your words fill the space in your chest and my head, talking about everything and nothing. time has not eroded this, every moment, both together and apart enhances this mysterious wholeness.
so yes i will wait. you are not taking anything from me, it is not a hardship, it is simply the path. i am honoring myself and our connection by being true to it. do not ask me to change that please, i am unable and unwilling, the gods, the source, the one, the universe, the unimaginable greater force has placed two souls in a predicament by tuning them to the same frequency, and so i also honor this true source by singing the song i was meant to. i honor you by singing the song the source gave us. i do not wait for your action, that would be silly.
instead
i wait for the great unknown to once again strike the tuning fork, and simply hope, desire and manifest that you and i will once again be in tune.
my song is love, my path is love, and with all it’s twist and turns, dead ends and bright meadows, i will walk it for the rest of my life, hopefully with your hand in mine, at every opportunity.

I realize that I am a lot, to deal with, to trust and to love. I am sitting here perplexed by my reaction to your kindness and wish to take care of me. It was a small thing you wanted to do, pay for dinner, and my inner, selfishly independent, caged animal reared itself. I am seriously scared, all the time, that you will abandon me at no notice and the fiery girl that wont let you be a man and care for her is a result of that. Not your fault or problem, just you should probably be aware. I am so desperately in love with a phantom, in my mind, that I am also full of fear.

I am not asking for you to change anything, that would put me in a place where I don’t ever want to stand again. I will never ask. I will wait, and if that means I wait until our next life, then I guess that’s what I will do. I will do whatever it takes to keep my lover and friend in my life, at my kitchen counter, eating my cooking, spending time, talking world politics and sex, music and sports, love and the ever after, virus and vaccine.

But I will ask you to not think that I wouldn’t let you be my man. If you were mine, I would not be so fiercely independent. I know that you want to cherish your women, I understand that, I appreciate that, about you. But the problem here is in the plurality of the word, as well as my own character. Myself, I am too proud and too damaged to let you do that in this strange halfway relationship we are in. If you want to be my caretaker, my protector and my man, then really there is only one answer, own it, be it. Don’t stand with one foot in the door and one somewhere else. You, by asking me to let you do these things are making me relinquish some of my remaining strength to you, and as little as I have left to stand with on my own, I believe that is unfair to ask of me. I am unable to be your damsel and an independent woman who sees her knight but once a fortnight.

Loving you has been a wonderful ride, full of twists and turns, joy and anguish and I choose to not quit. Sometimes all of me wants to run and hide, to do more damage to myself, I guess. Mostly though, I hope that you will come to your senses and realize that you deserve to be loved this way. That you deserve to be happy, that the gods did not thrust us together for naught. I want to be with you, now. I want to be with you next year. I want to take you to Italy. I want to be beside you when the shit hits the fan with one of our health situations. Perhaps it will be you, holding onto my body when my soul escapes into the ether, and perhaps it will be reversed. But who else should it be, really? I also think that you are never going to hold on to what I so dearly need you to hold onto. I am so very certain, oftentimes that you want this new life with me. And then you go away, returning and the feeling is different. I am unsure of what has happened in the interim and I feel a bit lost.