I heard you say those words. I did not react, I did not respond, because I know my own ability to dwell on things. I have a great ability to take any molehill and make it into a mountain, actually multiple mountains, depending on my mood.

So I have tried very hard not to think about the statement you made, the volume of feelings you must be experiencing before you would ever say such a thing, or the consequences should you really mean it.

I am here. I am here for it. Whatever way the road twists and turns, I will be your constant, as you are mine. You can cling to me or hold me at arms length, and I will stand true by your side. I have tried so hard not to overthink this. But, I certainly have held it to the light and examined it for flaws, seen every plane of it’s faceted surface, reflecting, refracting and bending the light. I am still here for it, no matter where or how the beam of light comes out the other side.

In truth, you have a home in my arms regardless of where our heads lie. We can do anything, and we will be fine, full of laughter and joy. However, I have fear, as well, that we are both crazy and this is an insane dream, one which we will wake up from saying wtf were we thinking. But then again, I convinced myself I was crazy when I suspected that you loved me, and look how that turned out.

Crazy seems like my excuse to not face our obstacles. Crazy has become my fallback and I really know better.

I am now coming to terms with reality again. You do love me as I love you. You do think of me, as I think of you. You do desire this joining, as I desire this joining. You do fantasize and worry about the joining, as I do. We shall prevail. Love shall prevail.

Whether or not I allow myself to stress about this is in my hands. I love you and should find the joy in your phrasing. I should find a way to take happiness from it. To bask in the idea that you might just realize what you are missing. You might actually reach for it.

However, I am truly in love with you and your happiness is my joy. So I have a very difficult time celebrating anything which causes you sorrow, sadness, discomfort, anything but contentment. I bring joy and mirth and love to the table, and I suppose you can see it more clearly if I am the main source, but does that mean you are unhappy in the everyday? I don’t want you dissatisfied. I want to bring you all the bliss that exists in the world and deposit it at your feet. I want the next stage in your life to be completely and utterly joyful. I know I can contribute, greatly, to that, however, I am not keen on you suffering in any way in order to achieve that.

As always, a quandary. As always I will not react. As always I will love you, and wait for the universe to shake things further.

I do love you and everything about you.

Man of all my dreams

Marriage is your question? My stance on it? I made that clear in many a separate conversation, but I’m going to lay it out in sentences so you really understand.
When I said love doesn’t need a contract, I meant it. If two people are actually in love, and they decide to be together, that is all the contractual obligation there is. If the love runs out the contract is nullified or renegotiated.
But, when I said I’d marry you, I also meant that. I know you wouldn’t ask  however, if we ever reached a point where you did, I would say yes. Because the original holds true, love doesn’t need a contract.
But if you wanted me to, I would be an honorable and true partner for you. As I am now, as in the first paragraph. If you felt the legitimization of our relationship was desirable i would.
Because I’m already committed to you, it wouldn’t make any difference. But I’d take your name and make it mine, with you.
But only if YOU,not me, desired it. I would also insist on a cohabitation agreement IN ANY FANTASY where one is even a thing. Your children, thier mothers, they deserve your personal empire. Me I just want to live in the castle of your heart. I want to fill a space you thought had scarred over and would never exist again. I want to fill it with my love, and our happiness. I want to inhabit places that in all your life you never knew existed, the secret passageways of your heart that you never explored, because one thing I can promise you, is that i will NEVER hurt you. You can trust me with all of you.

I need you, I need your heart and soul and love and time and arms and legs to wrap around me. I need your sweet conversation that starts the waterworks and the heart pounding, the intelligent and quick responses coming and the moisture flowing.
I need your company and your presence.
I need your love and passion.
I need your friendship and your caring.
I do not need your house, your cars,your financial support, your inheritance. Those are nothing.
You have become everything.
I need you.

I have been tricked, lied to, groomed,abused, and used. Made a slave to the industrial complex and barely squeeked by with my kids fed and the lights on.
It taught me one thing above all.
All the material is worthless, beyond basic survival of the body.
Value is found in the ethereal, the emotional, the magickal. If I thought it would buy one more hour with you I’d give my home, title and all. I’d give my 401k and stock options, I’d give both cars and my damned weekly pay. Whatever it took to experience a single hour more of the magick we create. This is my treasure.

The symptom is the sex, in my personal opinion, because we hide from verbalizing our feelings, (though less so now) and we can only truly express them physically.
Now I don’t believe the sex will ever stop improving even as we both decline, because it’s our best form of expression. But I do believe we are coming closer to a needed conversation. It will be hard. It will make things even better. Because you must trust me and I you, with the whole of ourselves.

the scent of your skin, the friction of it when i slide my cheek across it, the taste of your kisses, the sound of your laughter, the moment our eyes meet and my soul reaches out to yours, tendrils of light meeting in the space between, these are just tiny moments that touch on the complexity of you and i. my ear to your heart, listening to it while your words fill the space in your chest and my head, talking about everything and nothing. time has not eroded this, every moment, both together and apart enhances this mysterious wholeness.
so yes i will wait. you are not taking anything from me, it is not a hardship, it is simply the path. i am honoring myself and our connection by being true to it. do not ask me to change that please, i am unable and unwilling, the gods, the source, the one, the universe, the unimaginable greater force has placed two souls in a predicament by tuning them to the same frequency, and so i also honor this true source by singing the song i was meant to. i honor you by singing the song the source gave us. i do not wait for your action, that would be silly.
instead
i wait for the great unknown to once again strike the tuning fork, and simply hope, desire and manifest that you and i will once again be in tune.
my song is love, my path is love, and with all it’s twist and turns, dead ends and bright meadows, i will walk it for the rest of my life, hopefully with your hand in mine, at every opportunity.

I realize that I am a lot, to deal with, to trust and to love. I am sitting here perplexed by my reaction to your kindness and wish to take care of me. It was a small thing you wanted to do, pay for dinner, and my inner, selfishly independent, caged animal reared itself. I am seriously scared, all the time, that you will abandon me at no notice and the fiery girl that wont let you be a man and care for her is a result of that. Not your fault or problem, just you should probably be aware. I am so desperately in love with a phantom, in my mind, that I am also full of fear.

I am not asking for you to change anything, that would put me in a place where I don’t ever want to stand again. I will never ask. I will wait, and if that means I wait until our next life, then I guess that’s what I will do. I will do whatever it takes to keep my lover and friend in my life, at my kitchen counter, eating my cooking, spending time, talking world politics and sex, music and sports, love and the ever after, virus and vaccine.

But I will ask you to not think that I wouldn’t let you be my man. If you were mine, I would not be so fiercely independent. I know that you want to cherish your women, I understand that, I appreciate that, about you. But the problem here is in the plurality of the word, as well as my own character. Myself, I am too proud and too damaged to let you do that in this strange halfway relationship we are in. If you want to be my caretaker, my protector and my man, then really there is only one answer, own it, be it. Don’t stand with one foot in the door and one somewhere else. You, by asking me to let you do these things are making me relinquish some of my remaining strength to you, and as little as I have left to stand with on my own, I believe that is unfair to ask of me. I am unable to be your damsel and an independent woman who sees her knight but once a fortnight.

Loving you has been a wonderful ride, full of twists and turns, joy and anguish and I choose to not quit. Sometimes all of me wants to run and hide, to do more damage to myself, I guess. Mostly though, I hope that you will come to your senses and realize that you deserve to be loved this way. That you deserve to be happy, that the gods did not thrust us together for naught. I want to be with you, now. I want to be with you next year. I want to take you to Italy. I want to be beside you when the shit hits the fan with one of our health situations. Perhaps it will be you, holding onto my body when my soul escapes into the ether, and perhaps it will be reversed. But who else should it be, really? I also think that you are never going to hold on to what I so dearly need you to hold onto. I am so very certain, oftentimes that you want this new life with me. And then you go away, returning and the feeling is different. I am unsure of what has happened in the interim and I feel a bit lost.