I was waxing poetic today while thinking about you and this sits in my “outbox” awaiting the right moment to send.

In some ways I am still waxing poetic and in all ways, and always, I am thinking about you. Perhaps you don’t find it noble to love boundlessly, to wait as silently as possible, and to bury your fears, your hurts, your losses. This is what I am doing; I sometimes feel it is noble, other times I feel ignorant, stubborn, headstrong and stupid. Is it even waiting if there is no promise of an ending or beginning? Have I simply buried my head in the sand so that I can ignore your truths? I am often so full of questions that I cannot answer alone, but I won’t hear your answers. Because I cannot see a life without you, so I don’t see it. Since the moment we first spoke, I suspected, then we finally started conversing on the telephone, and I really started to believe, but finally, we were making love at semi-regular intervals, and I knew. You are my person. I ran away from the reality that I could no longer envision a life without you, and spent years trying to avoid any vision of a future, because this man from a small town in Pennsylvania kept inserting himself into those ruminations. Ever been sad enough to stop looking ahead? Confused enough? I stopped. Looking. Ahead. I am so sorry for the catalyst, but so happy you are back in my life. Thank you. I can now picture two weeks at a time ahead, till the next time I can see you.

A fortnightly nocturnal communion does not a life make.. but

I see my love, my life, approximately once every fourteen days. I await eagerly the sound of his ministrations blaring from my phone. So I can close my voice and float on the timbre of his voice. So he can say something that I can hang onto until the next time I can hear or see him. In many ways this waiting is like waiting for a sensory implant. All my senses react to and have become addicted to you. When you are not near, I am blind, when you are not speaking, I am deaf, when you are not within reach, I cannot feel. Everything tastes and smells MORE when you are there with me. This is a sad truth but still the truth. I have chosen you. You have not chosen me and I continue to choose you.

My love for you is ineffable.

If only I was not embarrassed by my own feelings. I am though and it often makes it hard for me to say what I mean. I said something the other night and it came out strangely. So I will reiterate here.

I was insulted that you would ask me to share what little time I have with you with another. I dont know if you understand that I am barely able to hold it together when you are all mine, once every two weeks. I am not enough. I know that, and its clear and im sort of ok with it, as things are. But to imply that I am not enough, for even that?? That’s what it sounded like to me.

I’m pretty certain all that was not supposed to be implied. but it was.

One cannot feed an army, not another single person with breadcrumbs, and thats all you give me.

so yeah, that hurt

…and loving you, as painful as it has been, was and will be, was never a mistake.

Darling,

I only hope that you will see the value in keeping what is cherished and special over a quick tryst with a different human. I will fix this, and I will let you run me over for your own purposes rather than share you with some other woman. Please let my gut be wrong about this, let me be thinking myself into the belief that you already have.

You tell me I am special. Let that be true.

I really should not love you, the way I do, it’s probably not all that healthy.

But my heart is full and I cannot seem to pour out the contents. Each day there is more space, and every day you have filled it.

from 21 november 2018