So yesterday was a testament to my joyful insanity and the happiness and depth you bring to my life. Believe it or not, you bring me satisfaction, mirth, companionship, and happiness. You are my smile. I hope, at least, I contribute to yours. I adore so many things about you. I love more about you than even I knew. Driving for distances in the dark tends to make me think quiet, long thoughts which are absent while chatting, reading, or drawing. I like this.
In the darkness near Gerry, NY last evening, the radio gave me Def Leppard. And I saw, in the eyes of my mind, for the first time in a very long time, you, playing, leaning into the mike to sing. The realization poured over me like the lyrics, sticky sweet, and eye-opening. I haven’t actually pictured you that way, in that persona, in a couple of years, or more. Because while that part of your life and our relationship was instrumental, I am madly in love with you, now. As you are, were, and will be, and every facet of you has equal weight and clarity in my mind. 🙂 I smile picturing you with your coffee klatch, head under a hood, stick in hand, or on the lathe. My heart leaps at the mental image of you turning your hat around backwards to kiss me. You in all your masks, all your roles, make me love you more. The reality is that I love your soft underbelly and I love your broad protective shoulders. I have fallen in love with the man who is so much more than the sum of all your different parts. And when the realization of all this struck, I smiled in the night like the Cheshire cat and tears filled my eyes, joyful ones because many people never experience loving this way, and you have brought that to me.
Yes, our situation can be sad, difficult, and tumultuous. Yes, sometimes I am lonely and wish for another outcome. Often I wish that I was beside you and beaming with love as we do, to give hope to all the daughters that have lost faith in love. I want every moment to be with you. To spend the rest of our lives making you as happy as you deserve. To make the next decade your best, and that would make it my best by association. However, I will love you in whatever capacity I am able. For whatever time is allotted. If the Goddess and universe make room for me I will be more than happy to fill that space, however, I will not force it. Occasionally I catch myself acting like a common woman and getting jealous or rageful, maybe even spiteful. And I remember that I am not those things, and no matter what the imagined gain would be, I cannot let those emotions define me. I am better than that, you are better than that, and we are so much better than that. So in those moments I sit with myself and create, I put my passion into the perfectly arched line and my anger into the deepest shadows. I write this and many other never-ending love letters to pour the negatives out, as well as to explore my deep long thoughts.
I am graced to love and be loved this way. It is with honor and truth I repay the universe for it’s favor. I will continue loving with all of myself, and utilizing the gift for what it is.
Never Ending Love Letter 