Darling, we are so close to that unattainable word. There are indeed 20 years between us, but it does not detract from the truth that you are my joy, that you fill my desire with hunger, my soul with bright light and heart with a lightness that makes it seem as though I could fly. That I also bring you joy, physical, emotional and relational pleasures, and fill a space you thought would never be filled. But you have brought into question some things which worry you. I am planning to address these here. You want me to have more, not enough years left, and the obstacles in our path.
You want me to have more? More than what? More than part time? More than you are giving me? More than the rest of our lives? I do not understand your insistance that you want me to have more. There is truly only one answer to that. I have, I thought, made it clear that I will never settle for less than the love of my life. So, darling, you are trying to insist you want me to have less than that. Only you will do, all other options are moot. There is one way I will have ‘more’ and that is if you give me ‘more’. I will settle for nothing less.
If time is short, and you want me to have my person for longer, why are you trying to divert me from my person? I want you forever. I will spend all the rest of all my lives seeking you, loving you, learning you, pleasuring you, yearning for you. This episode may not let you give me a 65 year partership, but next episode will. Let me know that you love me for the rest of this one? I will be here to the bitter end, baby, let me not be a volunteer candy striper in order to do so? I want to be in your arms when one or the other of us goes. I’m never giving up on you, why are you giving up on you? Or are you giving up on me? You again are the only one who can change this outcome, and I don’t expect you to. But damn if you did, we’d have far too much love and fun. What makes you or me worthy of this? I’ll address this later, I suppose.
Obstacles are there in everyone’s path. I believe the universe is moving some of them without our intervention. I am scared, but in a healthy way, that you might get out of our way and let the love flow. I am so ready for it, when you are. The truth is she is not in our way, it is only us. Our choices. So I will tell you just as you choose to be unfullfilled and stay, I will choose to be fulfilled in following my heart, even if the concrete parts don’t ever unfold. I will choose love. I will choose the natural commitment that you bring out of me. The need for your conversation, company and cuddles that outweighs the ridiculously wonderful lovemaking. We have all the time this journey needs. I will walk with you, even if I must be shrouded in secrecy. I’ll address this too, eventually.
So why are we deserving? I don’t know why I am, so I understand why you might not know why you are. Sometimes it takes another perspective. Maybe someday you will tell me what makes me deserve any of the things you provide or this mysterious ‘more’. You, darling have a spark of joy in you that it seems lots of situations have tried to stomp out, but it stays. You have bent your back and your needs to others needs and cared for many. You have put your heart and soul into so many people. You have loved and given yourself for others. You are a genuinely good person. You have earned the right to be treated the same way you treat others. You are a phenomenally caring human who deserves to be cared for phenomenally. A romantic who pretends to be ‘not’ and it seems to me desires the love I have been gifted with, for you. A traditionalist who desires and seeks out non-traditional ideas, and lives non-traditionally. A man who beats himself up as much as you do deserves something to soothe his soul. I believe I fulfill that for you and you are worthy of more than I could ever give you, the depthless well of my love should expand to offer you more. Because you are the mose selfless man I have ever known. I want to be your selfishness. I want to serve that which serves you, as in doing so I am also serving me, and the intelligence behind all of life that put us here, together.
I have a deep fear that I will not attain anything I desire and I sometimes allow that to detract me from full disclosure. The truth is here. I am yours. I was made to be yours. I have been given my true mate, my twin flame by the universe. I won’t give up on him. Period.
Never Ending Love Letter 